i had a strange and fitful dream last night about someone being truly evil to me. i dreamt about the jabs he would give, all the verbal blows that he would say, all the buttons he would know to push. i don't think this person in particular would have the gall or the heart (or even the wit and brainpower) to actually do any of the things i'd dreamt, but it's a sad state of affairs when you realize a relationship or friendship has gone horribly wrong. it evidently made me subconsciously dread certain repercussions, even if those repercussions never come to light.

it may also have had something to do with the fact that my intestines were revolting against me yesterday. discomfort and illness often cause weird dreams, too.

it's interesting to realize how lonely i can get sometimes. mind you, nothing that would drive me to suicide or anything, so don't worry. but normally i'm not the kind of person who feels the need to have someone around to attend to me, validate me, etc. i'm very comfortable just being myself and doing my own thing, and i don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. it hits me every so often, though, that it would be really nice to be able to find the kind of relationship i want. so far no luck. no one ever claimed that it would be easy, and i wouldn't want it to be easy because then it wouldn't be special. the sad thing is that what i want is to fall in love with my best friend... ideally that's what everyone wants, i know, but i'm not in any situations that would lead to that. i have a number of guy friends that i love dearly, but none of them would ever spawn into an ideal relationship. that's okay with me, but it's lonesome to feel like i don't even know someone who i would be interested in being in a serious relationship with at this point in my life. how would i fall in love with my best friend if i don't even know him yet? that doesn't make much sense. just feels a little lonely sometimes....

it confuses me sometimes how people react to difficult situations. i make a serious effort to face them, reason through them, and resolve them. many people, however, choose to run or blame others. i think i was placed in the "to-blame" category recently, although i'm certain that i was being coerced into agreeing that the situation was hopeless. when i finally agreed, since the other party had no desire to reconcile the situation and i did not want to force the issue if he didn't want to participate, it became my fault for not having faith that it would work out. i said what he wanted me to say, so that he could absolve himself of the situation, but somehow it became my fault in the process. i'm not saying i'm devoid of fault, but i'm not the only one at fault. i tried to devise a reasonable conclusion, but the reasonable conclusion was that there *was* no reasonable conclusion. he knew it, and i knew it... but since i finally acknowledged it, i bore the blame. oh well.

our office shrimp committed suicide yesterday! we have this lovely 30-gallon aquarium in our office, which houses about ten colorful angelfish, a shrimp, a plecostomus, and two tiny algae-eaters. usually rebecca takes care of the fishtank, but when she is out of the office, i am the default caretaker. yesterday she was out of the office, so i fed them... and found the shrimp on the floor! he was dead, sadly, but the mystery is how he got out of the tank. he was alive and well on tuesday, but yesterday he was dead on the floor outside the tank. there's no way the shrimp could have gotten out on his own... dun dun DUUUUUN! weird.

i'm wearing my jedi knight sweater today, and it's so long that i keep running over it with my office chair. doh!