i'm feeling all teen-angsty lately, and i'm half a decade out of my teens so i should be past this crap. is there such thing as mid-twenties angst? i'm having my cyclical fear of being insignificant in the world, because i'm not really developing any new or meaningful relationships. my steadfasts are still there, of course, and i'm so thankful for them.... but it's so odd to feel like i'm not really fitting into anywhere in particular. for example, at work. i get along well with all of my coworkers, and i'm able to hang out with them outside of the workplace, but somehow i feel like i'm not really one of them. i don't have the bad-girl rep that most of them have (from college or high school, not now.) and i'm not a huge drinker so it's not like i really want to go out and get trashed with them. that's not me, that's not my life. not that i want it to be, but i feel like it somewhat separates me from them. because my office is so small, that's kind of a constricting realization.

i know that people here like me, and i know that my work ethic is highly valued... but i also feel left out of a lot of things. part of that is because i'm down at the other end of the office from everyone except rebecca, but also partly because my goody-goody self doesn't necessarily have much to contribute to the kinds of things they talk about or do. i don't know. i don't mean to infer that i'm somehow superior in any way, but i'm just... different. i've had a healthy, clean life. not to say i haven't gotten into some trouble, but somehow i never really got into the kinds of things that heather, rebecca, and lora talk about. i'd rather not have those stories because they don't sound like they were much fun to go through, but at the same time it makes me feel out of place because i can't really relate.

that in itself is an odd thing to me, too-- i've always felt like, even when i can't necessarily relate, i can usually comprehend and empathize. but lately, i feel less and less inclined to have any desire to do so. it just doesn't interest me to try to integrate myself with that. i'm fine hanging out with them, but when i'm bored, i leave. (simple, huh?)

but hey, enough about that.

happy 23rd birthday, zoltán! :D